


i'd like to place an order for delivery

by hardkourparcore



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Dubiously Modern AU, Gen, Humor, the black eagles house are chaotic and that is why they're my favorite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-09 17:27:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20998604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hardkourparcore/pseuds/hardkourparcore
Summary: professor byleth gives weird assignments, but they're not hard if you know how to do them.





	i'd like to place an order for delivery

**Author's Note:**

> i just wrote this for fun because my friends and i were talking about the differences between the three houses and why i love the beagles so much. i tried to give each of them equal spotlight but this is also very short!

Professor Byleth gave each of their classes a single assignment. Order enough pizza for the class, and have a pleasant pizza party. They expected it would be easy, and that the students might not understand why they were doing it, and so they wouldn't be able to anticipate their intentions and work together just to give Byleth what they were looking for. And they had been right. Plain and simple, Byleth got the results they wanted to, and they revealed that the Black Eagles absolutely failed to work as a group.

The Blue Lions passed with flying colors.

Dimitri, fearing a fight between Sylvain and Felix, had handed the phone off to Mercedes to keep it from either of their hands. The fight didn't actually come, though they disagreed on the sort of pizza they wanted. Ingrid suggested a meat-lovers pizza. Annette suggested a vegetarian pizza to counter it, and then Ashe mentioned they may as well get a plain cheese pizza, too. Without much to-do at all, Mercedes confirmed these choices were okay with Dimitri and Dedue before calling it in, and every one was satisfied. Three pizzas were split amongst 8 students, and all were given a passing grade on this unusual assignment.

The Golden Deers did well, too.

Claude kept the phone himself, but only Lorenz really argued with him when he insisted on a pineapple/ham pizza. Another pizza was completely vegetarian, and every one agreed those two were sufficient for a majority of the class. Raphael got two pizzas to himself – Claude joked about “none pizza left beef” but really they ended up with all sorts of meats. He shared two slices of that with Leonie in exchange for the slices she took of the vegetarian pizza. Again, every one was satisfied, and as they took only ten minutes to decide, Byleth passed them.

The Black Eagles failed stupendously.

Edelgard was given the phone to call with, and she intended to do so swiftly. There was a clear solution here: one cheese, one pepperoni, and one of her favorite make, and every one should be happy. She dialed the number, but Ferdinand wouldn't allow her to pass her judgment without an argument, and attempted to physically take the phone from her.

“Hubert!” she'd cried, and had enough time to toss the phone to him. He caught it and prepared to make the order himself: three of Edelgard's preferred pizzas, though one slightly different. She preferred mushrooms, onions, and white sauce inside, but even though her tastes was strange one pizza with red sauce should be reasonable for the others to tolerate, in his opinion. It was enough for him, after all.

“It is not ready to be ordered!” Petra protested.

Dorothea backed her up. “What are you planning on getting, Hubie? We're supposed to have something every one will like.”

(Behind Hubert, Edelgard had Ferdinand in a headlock, as his attempt to stop her had turned into a contest of sport for him, and if she didn't restrain him, it would be some sort of duel or another.)

“Lady Edelgard's favorite, natural-LY!” His sentence ended in a harsh grunt as Caspar tackled him to the ground.

“No way, that's not fair! She likes _mushrooms_.” His face spoke his displeasure.

The tackle served to separate Hubert from the phone – the thing skittered across the floor. Petra scrambled to intercept it, but it got away from her by a centimeter, and smacked into Bernadetta's ankle. She'd been sitting under a desk, and took it.

“U-uhm. I don't like talking on the phone, so maybe some one else should have this! I-I don't want to mess it up!”

Quickly, yet calmly, Dorothea crossed the distance between herself and Bernadetta and extended a hand to take it.

She was about to hand it over, but Caspar was there again, roughly taking it away.

“Caspar!”

All heads but Caspar's turned to the classroom's entrance with surprise. It wasn't surprising that Linhardt had seemingly coordinated something with Caspar, but rather the surprise was that he was awake at all, and clearly had his hands ready in an attempt to –

Caspar threw the phone at Linhardt. Clumsily, Linhardt caught it.

And... ran?

Caspar let out a delighted holler, punching the air like this was yet another 'big win'.

“Hubert!” Edelgard said sharply, command only known between her and her attendant. She had calmed Ferdinand in the brief confusion, but still held him in a headlock to her left.

Without even a verbal acknowledgment, Hubert took off at a sprint and out of the room to pursue Linhardt.

Petra pouted, seating herself on the top of one desk. “We will be failing this assignment, are you thinking the same?”

Dorothea sighed. “Oh we are _totally_ failing.”

“I'll try to explain this to the professor,” Edelgard offered. She gave Ferdinand a glare and loosened her grip on him, allowing him to rise to his feet and scoff. “With any luck, they'll only fail me as a leader and the rest of you won't be penalized.”

“Hey, that's not fair,” Caspar said. “If we're going down, it should be all of us. Fair's fair.”

“I agree,” Ferdinand added. “We have failed to procure pizzas, unless Linhardt intends to save all of us.”

“Nah, we failed,” Caspar replied. “I don't even think he _likes_ pizza.”

“If you knew that was the case, why did you even throw it to him, Caspar?” Dorothea crossed her arms. She wasn't especially mad about the whole thing, but it was a valid question.

“Dunno. I just kinda got caught up in things.”

Four people in that room heaved a sigh all at once.

“He planned that,” Edelgard decided.

Moments later, prefaced by a harsh “Ow! Ow! Must you do this the entire way? Let me – Ow!” Linhardt and Hubert entered the classroom together, Linhardt's left ear pinched tightly between Hubert's thumb and fore-finger.

“He already ordered by the time I caught up with him,” Hubert informed the class.

“Alright, let me go, now, Hubert,” Linhardt complained.

“Let him go.” Edelgard's reluctant approval was the only thing Hubert listened to, and only after it was given did he release Linhardt's ear.

Rubbing at the bruise he knew would come, Linhardt casually made his way back to his preferred seat in the classroom, lazily placing the phone down on one of the desks as he passed. “They said fifteen minutes, twenty five for delivery,” he said. He sat down and immediately crossed his arms to create a comfortable cradle for his head.

“What did you get?” Caspar asked.

“The usual. Times ten to be safe.”

“Oooof course ya did.”

“W-w-what does that mean?” Bernadetta chirped. She was still under one of the desks, peeking out to see what every one else was focusing on. “Are we still going to fail? Oh, the professor is going to _kill_ us, aren't they?”

“Well, the professor may like cinnamon rolls,” Linhardt offered, laying his head down.

The professor did not like cinnamon rolls.


End file.
